Say it in a Song

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colours red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

And you
You knew the hand of a devil
And you
Kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

The Knife - heartbeats / Jose Gonzales - heartbeats

Tired, drained.

When we get sucked in so much, that we get out of it in complete disorder?
All that we think is a product of our imagination,
It's like a fairy-tale,a story you craft for yourself,
and we tell ourselves that the only way to justify,
is by sharing them with others that keeps us believing,
that we maintain responsibility for an occasional reality check.

We forget

..that we should hold zero expectation on others, because it goes all down-hill from there on. Its either you reach infinity and connect on unimaginable levels, or be disconnected by clashing into a wall.
that barrier we see in others, why do we have this sick desire to want to break it down?
is it because we are drawn to the excitement of the unknown, or do we succumb to a sense of satisfaction when we reach to conclusions?
when one question continuously ends up into another question mark, are we in the end of the day caught in a loophole?where those sudden moment of inspiration is merely a momentary answer, that keeps us in place in that short period of time.
I could go on really, but why would one have the strength to endure all these branched out thoughts?
Why do we bother seeking for the same answers, over and over again?

Control

Let's try to take a moment to pause for a second, for this split millisecond, i'd like to draw out my thoughts, and somehow try to make sense of it.

In the event of Loss.

Lately strange events has been taking place, striking unwanted emotions we hoped so much to never endure. I have always imagined what it would feel like having to deal with time and the way it claim lives. With age, comes the moment where we would have to mark unexpected endings. Everyday we tell ourselves to live as if there will be no tomorrow, and so we react by fulfilling our desire and dreams.
But then the day comes where we witness the ones we care for, face the pain of loss. Standing by their sides, you mourn in silence for the end of one life. How do they breathe through the days with the mysterious feeling of emptiness?How does it feel to wake up and think that you can no longer have contact with that one person?
We console ourselves to be strong,to fight for survival because that is a part of living. Is it the art of forgetting that helps us get by? Epiphanies that we discover to keep us moving along.
Eventually,we get weak and find reasons to have that special one as a part of who we are. Companionship, becomes a technique to overcome loneliness. Even though we secretly know that we'd really all end up dying alone anyway, then why do we bother to make all these efforts to Love? It's really strange to see how these mechanisms work within our senses.
I find far too many moments where I become extremely uncertain to what i know, or at least what I think I know. Perhaps this is what growing up really is all about- discoveries for more of the unknown, realizations with constant amendments to its Truth.
Is there really a truth out there anyway? The problem with such ambiguity is that you take on any journey that lies ahead, following a flow that makes sense at present time. There shall be no right or wrong to decisions, but instead consequences that you take on with neutral judgment.
Many times I think I am crazy, but then I don't even know what crazy should really mean. But I do feel this high frequency of emotions, triggering every part of my 'sanity', and traveling through realities that I know nothing of.
Is it all merely a state of mind?

Penha, Brazil 2010

On that Verge.

They call it a 'state of limbo', but I wonder if it's still a limbo when it has lasted for 1 month. In an ideal world, this state of confusion, transition, adaptation should be over within a short period of time because as it is, life is way too short to waste time on uncertainties.
No matter how hard you try to be the puppet master of the self, this art of control becomes rather tedious when it comes to building perspectives.
I don't care what the majority tells me about decision-making processes, but i'm tired of analyzing. I'm tired of thinking and feeling, which means i am tired of BEING.
Is it even possible to feel neither?
I'd say yes.
The problem is not how to achieve it, but how to prolong it. You know those seconds that you encounter, when nothing else matters;not what you feel,or think, but merely that one particular moment. It's like this blankness you endure,and all that matters is there and then, now and here.
Forget the past and future and just BE present.
But how do you BE when you're in a continuous relationship with different time-lines?
This balancing act becomes off-balanced when you're constantly trying to create leverage between the wants and the supposed.
I guess its rather hard when you resort to routes that you were never really sure of in the first place. Why should we feel this constant struggle to FIT IN to something?to belong?
I know "Freedom" is subjective, but since its relative, it should be easier for us to craft it,right?

Tech-Savvy

GOT YA!!
aha!
take that,you censorship devil!
I actually missed my blog!what a loser comment.

...........back to my emo-state-of-mind:

I am in a world so unknown that every now and then, I crack into a smile as though it was a form of humour. I am roaming around this strange land that is making me strangely connected to "home". I still don't know what it is, but it seems like I find ways to identify that sense of comfort, as though its a form of longing for something that is not even there.
I don't remember feeling this way 2 months ago when I was in South America. Biased perspective? For sure. At least I'm aware of it. And here I am participating in this monologue as though I need an audience. I guess what i really do need is a reminder to what I had found in all my ventures and more importantly, to not forget that energy I had found and changed these way of living that had kept me bounded.

Far-fetched.

It's rather comforting to think that the universe sends you these signals, and spotting them is a form of guidance into the right state of mind. Coincidences are relative, but its just so much nicer to make meaning out of them as though its a mathematical equation that will eventually lead to the right answer ======== ?

I also see it as weakness, that we feel the need to be consoled. We need to know that life is not oblivious and that everything else around us are actually connected and complements each other.
Every action made is relevant to the consequences after.
I'd like a reset button, i'd like several buttons, all these switches that gives me a point of termination.
one button to reset all my senses of "logic" and "reason".
another button to reset my "emotions" that never needed explanations.
Other buttons for the system, believes,faiths, religion, society, truths, rules. ...
..everything. almost like rebirth, but far from what we had ever known.
How crazy would that be?All i can think of is some sort of explosion, due to overwhelming awareness.
I'd also like one 'replay' button, that will give me every second of my past experiences. It seems that these flashbacks that we depend on are segmented and thus, our memory is not reliable after all.Think back about some of your favourite moments, and try to recall the details within that particular hour. Time is such a tricky game that constitutes our entire being. i wonder, where are all those seconds and minutes that we were once present in? Why can't i remember how i felt?Or what i thought? Are we secretly capable of time travel?
I wonder.

Older,Mature.Wiser.uhuh.

Rock music in Montevideo by the sea..outdoor music festivals are the best. we need more in malaysia :(

All this hard work of learning and discovery gets me thinking about all those the years we spend from the day we were born till the very present. Every time we think we know something, that we have learned from our experiences and will use it for the better of tomorrow, it easily becomes worthless. One moment you´re aware of your life and the world and how you want to live, and the next? you go back to a different beginning of your aimlessness. I don´t know if its because its easy to forget, or rather because Change is prominent in our lives. I worry about getting old, not merely for physicality but also for our ways of succumbing. I look at our parents or the elder ones and how they live their lives, and i can´t help but wonder, had they forgotten their desires and chose to succumb?
DId they lose out on the big game and gave in their souls to the mechanisms of society?
Or am i about to discover that life is just the same and that all these differences i imagine is merely a state of mind?

Old cities are the best to discover:Mural in Montevideo

And then when we travel, we see different perspectives and thus,different ways of growing old...of living. that´s when I am reassured that there is possibility to choose a life that you want to live. you just have to have the balls to do so.To not feel the pressure of being out casted. To feel strong alone.150 year old Teatro Solis!Amazing building and was privileged to catch a dance contemporary piece in Spanish.

Birthdays are strange.
We celebrate our birth,our existence, but truth be told,i can´t remember how it felt the second I was born. I don´t know if anyone else does. i just know that on this day, I came to earth and began a process of "development".

Lately, these epiphanies i endure are reminding me to go easy on expectations. You see, the excitement of traveling comes when you step into a whole new world as a first timer. thats when your energy is on full charged mode and you are gamed for ANYTHING. Now, when you travel, but to places that is not too far from what you know, or have experienced? The situation becomes different. You are more calm and relaxed, and find steady ways to deepen your experiences. In fact, you have the space to associate it with the surroundings back "home", in which we claim to be a part of who we are.

The pier in Punta Del Este, sunset colours and gorgeous boats. i love how the water reflects light after a certain hour.

So yes,celebrating from a window overlooking the sea of "playa brava" and a hazy dark storm clouded in the skies of Punta Del Este. While the world imagines me to be gushing my heart out with substances and moments. I´m taking it easy this round(well,the day is not over.grin.). Ultimately, celebrating in Sudamerica and that idea itself, is a moment worthy enough.

Nomad

I'm starting to detect my routines here and i must say,it requires a lot of road trips to different locations for different reasons. The only constant element of this pattern is the fact that i'm living the local lifestyle, just adapting to their culture into my everyday life.
I use to think that 'adaptation' was a part of who I am, because I do it far to well. It scares me to how easy it is for me to come and go, as and when I please. The problem with this cycle is that you will never find something solid,or stationary to depend on. All you really have is you. The Self. The mind being the safety net, and the emotions being the driver. Ofcourse these roles switch every now and then, but when you're far away in a land so foreign from what you call 'home', you somehow allow feelings to break-loose.
Last week, I slept in 5 different beds within 7 days. Sometimes you sink into this state of mind, questioning your ways because you no longer grasp on to rules of living. When you start to query your nomadic behaviour, you'd have to stop because there's just no reason for you to say 'NO' to anything, at this point of time.

Rosario ,Argentina.

It's so easy to decide on destined destinations and it's times like this that you feel so accomplished.
The drive there was amazing because you have to cross this river, Rio Parana, which is like a delta, so huge that it stretches out to more than 10 kilometres! Imagine seeing a river on a highway that takes you above it, all the way till you see the view of sky scrappers from a distance. Crossing one bridge after the other,overlooking gorgeous greenery growing on the river --i was amazed.
Rosario is one of those cities with an enticing beauty born out of the days of colonization, just like most of the developing countries in this world. It's history is evident in the way art is expressed through architecture as well as landscaping. Like every other city out there, it's got the modernization as well as the traditional parts of the city. The European influence is very much evident in the way the city is structured. Most of the locations I wanted to visit were old and were very important during Argentina's Dirty War in 1976-1983.
Societies that had once fought for liberty or freedom due to suppressive governments tend to have after-effects that are rather radical. When I say radical, I mean in ideologies. These ideologies contribute to expressive behaviours of Argentinians, which can be seen on the streets of Rosario.
More importantly, Rosario is the birthplace of Ernesto 'Che' Guevara (whom may be a complete loser to most people) but a very well respected figure here in Argentina, and perhaps, a symbolic propaganda in the eyes of the world too. I visited his hometown, and the people had build a big recreation park in his honour.
I quickly got into my 'tourist mode' and demanded my picture taken with his monument.
What was also intriguing was this old railway station that has been abandoned nearby. As usual, the British had developed railway systems in this part of the world. But to stroll around an old railway station, with grass growing over old tracks, was a nostalgic experience! To just imagine that once upon a time this railway use to be a busy location is quite mind blowing.
Secretly, I had experienced Rosario's night time in a whole different state of mind. It is dirty, messy and old, yet developing, and to me, that makes Rosario even more beautiful.
I'm glad I had my first experience there, despite the shortage of time..
There's just nothing greater than entering a whole new place with no expectations, but just an open spirit, to absorb whatever that may cross your path.

The Simple,simple Life.

Paysandu - a small town about 360+ km away from Montevideo is a nothing but little surprises for one to discover.
The perfect timing for a journey there would be around evening time, where the sun shines through the stretches of flat greenland, and slowly slips away from the horizon. Yes,i have an obvious fascination for the changing skies, but it is rather hard to not love it,no?
If there was something typical to note of the Uruguayo culture, it would be the image of horses or cows or sheep and the farms. We call it the 'cowboy' image, which is rather Americanized. But i guess that is what folklore tends to portray,historical traces of how mankind use to live within agriculture environments. The coolest thing about road trips is when you spotted random individuals taking a stroll in the middle of no-where, hitch-hikers or even bikers riding out of god-knows-where. It was my turn to drive and I was giving out free thumbs-up to anyone i spotted on the road.Though the roads aren't exactly in the best condition, over-taking large trucks will be a useful skill to develop!

I adore Paysandu, there's just something so simple about it that calms me down. Though it is easy to get annoyed with how slow and inefficient the lifestyle can get, you just end up wondering, 'what's the hurry in the first place?'
If there is one thing that i can learn to be embarrass of being a city girl, is how i feel the constant need to be occupied for the sake of progress. Productivity is key to our daily existence, and it is very much embedded in our functionality. I am learning the mechanisms to my mentality, and what makes me feel better as a human. And I must say, some of the factors can be pretty pathetic.

A weekend getaway on a sail boat reminded me of my overdue desire to own a boat someday. How do i know this?
The moment the boat sailed away from land, a creepy sense of relief and comfort rushed through my body. Packing 'necessities' became rather subjective, compared to the time I had to pack for this entire trip. I bought less than what I had utilized, which was practically a pair of bikini, a top and shorts, and okay,maybe the dress, which i had initially wore to sail away. My toiletries remained handy despite the fact that the boat had no 'bathroom', but only a tiny toilet bowl for immediate needs. After the first night, i used the toilet less and was very,very much acquainted with the river. How unusual it is to feel absolutely liberated to take a bath in the river.Basically, you have a choice of taking a bucket or water, or ideally, to just jump off from which ever side of the boat. AS YOU PLEASE!
I had the stupidest grin in my face in the middle of no-where.

Rio Uruguay. Uruguay River.
You sail up the stream,overlooking Argentina on one side, and Uruguay on the other. It is so easy to feel in control when you can view two countries with one perspective.
I had zero worries and not the slightest sense of Fear during the entire journey. Best of all, the rediscovery of silence was magnificent. When you think you know how it feels to be silent, think again. There are far too many layers of silence that we are not associated with. Worst still, I was reminded of how our lives are filled with distractions on so many levels. The result of emptiness without these distractions is precisely, ONE OF the boundary to a sense of "Freedom"(relative.again)
So if there would be reasons for me to live here in Uruguay, it would be this river, and definitely,DEFINITELY my own damn boat!And I'll be okay.