What went wrong?

Having to be told to be in the moment, is a sign of my disconnection.

A Reminder that you're Alive

In a strange sick way, pain is what reminds us that we are most alive-be it physical,mental or emotional. And if we are able to adapt to this concept, things will get better :)

Hello, Truth

I checked into hotel Reality last night, and woke up in another world.

Transtioning into Clarity

Did you find yourself stalled in this fragment of time, when you find yourself clogged up in an infinite array of questions?
And try with alll your might to find a resolution-an answer that will supposedly reach a finale?
I wonder, about those rare moment we get tangled with, where we become so uncertain to the next steps, due to the battle between the mind and the emotions. This battle, is linked to the notion of 'connection', instinct- when we detect some form of certainty,sparked out of no-where, should we really act upon it?
When you find yourself lured into a situation that ignites inner undefined,emotions, are we really suppose to follow-up with immediate actions, before the moment passes?
Remember that time,when you met a stranger in the most unusual scenario, and then felt like you had just encountered the most intense vibration of a connection that is perfectly alligned in that spilt second?
What did you do?
Did you react,and made sure you made full use of fulfilling a desire?
I find it disappointing to see how we are absolutely willing to let go of a supposed precious moment, in defence of emotion and scepticism, where we remain in disbelief of the possiblity of utopia. We reject the idea of serenity, only because we were trained so very well to realize the necessity of hardship and pain, the case of not attaining our dreams-because that it's what keeps us in balance,and in line with what the imperfections of life are suppose to contain.
I think its sad, that you had to forgo the opportunity of ultimate highness, and just disregard a particular moment due to our caged -up mentalities. We are led to think that we should't reach the peak,without suffering. We are not suppose to attain higher level of awareness, because doubts are needed to be there, for the sake of sanity.
Well, I think this itself, will drive me up the walls, and straight into the state of being JADED.
I don't care what society says,and that is a scary thought sometimes. Detachment is ideal but a tough task to pursue most times, but we seek for it anyway.
I reckon its time to leave it up to you, whether or not you will step up and take the desired actions at those parcticular moments where it feels most right, and just do it..
because if its not now, then when?

Say it in a Song

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colours red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

And you
You knew the hand of a devil
And you
Kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

The Knife - heartbeats / Jose Gonzales - heartbeats

Tired, drained.

When we get sucked in so much, that we get out of it in complete disorder?
All that we think is a product of our imagination,
It's like a fairy-tale,a story you craft for yourself,
and we tell ourselves that the only way to justify,
is by sharing them with others that keeps us believing,
that we maintain responsibility for an occasional reality check.

We forget

..that we should hold zero expectation on others, because it goes all down-hill from there on. Its either you reach infinity and connect on unimaginable levels, or be disconnected by clashing into a wall.
that barrier we see in others, why do we have this sick desire to want to break it down?
is it because we are drawn to the excitement of the unknown, or do we succumb to a sense of satisfaction when we reach to conclusions?
when one question continuously ends up into another question mark, are we in the end of the day caught in a loophole?where those sudden moment of inspiration is merely a momentary answer, that keeps us in place in that short period of time.
I could go on really, but why would one have the strength to endure all these branched out thoughts?
Why do we bother seeking for the same answers, over and over again?

Control

Let's try to take a moment to pause for a second, for this split millisecond, i'd like to draw out my thoughts, and somehow try to make sense of it.

In the event of Loss.

Lately strange events has been taking place, striking unwanted emotions we hoped so much to never endure. I have always imagined what it would feel like having to deal with time and the way it claim lives. With age, comes the moment where we would have to mark unexpected endings. Everyday we tell ourselves to live as if there will be no tomorrow, and so we react by fulfilling our desire and dreams.
But then the day comes where we witness the ones we care for, face the pain of loss. Standing by their sides, you mourn in silence for the end of one life. How do they breathe through the days with the mysterious feeling of emptiness?How does it feel to wake up and think that you can no longer have contact with that one person?
We console ourselves to be strong,to fight for survival because that is a part of living. Is it the art of forgetting that helps us get by? Epiphanies that we discover to keep us moving along.
Eventually,we get weak and find reasons to have that special one as a part of who we are. Companionship, becomes a technique to overcome loneliness. Even though we secretly know that we'd really all end up dying alone anyway, then why do we bother to make all these efforts to Love? It's really strange to see how these mechanisms work within our senses.
I find far too many moments where I become extremely uncertain to what i know, or at least what I think I know. Perhaps this is what growing up really is all about- discoveries for more of the unknown, realizations with constant amendments to its Truth.
Is there really a truth out there anyway? The problem with such ambiguity is that you take on any journey that lies ahead, following a flow that makes sense at present time. There shall be no right or wrong to decisions, but instead consequences that you take on with neutral judgment.
Many times I think I am crazy, but then I don't even know what crazy should really mean. But I do feel this high frequency of emotions, triggering every part of my 'sanity', and traveling through realities that I know nothing of.
Is it all merely a state of mind?

Penha, Brazil 2010

On that Verge.

They call it a 'state of limbo', but I wonder if it's still a limbo when it has lasted for 1 month. In an ideal world, this state of confusion, transition, adaptation should be over within a short period of time because as it is, life is way too short to waste time on uncertainties.
No matter how hard you try to be the puppet master of the self, this art of control becomes rather tedious when it comes to building perspectives.
I don't care what the majority tells me about decision-making processes, but i'm tired of analyzing. I'm tired of thinking and feeling, which means i am tired of BEING.
Is it even possible to feel neither?
I'd say yes.
The problem is not how to achieve it, but how to prolong it. You know those seconds that you encounter, when nothing else matters;not what you feel,or think, but merely that one particular moment. It's like this blankness you endure,and all that matters is there and then, now and here.
Forget the past and future and just BE present.
But how do you BE when you're in a continuous relationship with different time-lines?
This balancing act becomes off-balanced when you're constantly trying to create leverage between the wants and the supposed.
I guess its rather hard when you resort to routes that you were never really sure of in the first place. Why should we feel this constant struggle to FIT IN to something?to belong?
I know "Freedom" is subjective, but since its relative, it should be easier for us to craft it,right?

Tech-Savvy

GOT YA!!
aha!
take that,you censorship devil!
I actually missed my blog!what a loser comment.

...........back to my emo-state-of-mind:

I am in a world so unknown that every now and then, I crack into a smile as though it was a form of humour. I am roaming around this strange land that is making me strangely connected to "home". I still don't know what it is, but it seems like I find ways to identify that sense of comfort, as though its a form of longing for something that is not even there.
I don't remember feeling this way 2 months ago when I was in South America. Biased perspective? For sure. At least I'm aware of it. And here I am participating in this monologue as though I need an audience. I guess what i really do need is a reminder to what I had found in all my ventures and more importantly, to not forget that energy I had found and changed these way of living that had kept me bounded.

Far-fetched.

It's rather comforting to think that the universe sends you these signals, and spotting them is a form of guidance into the right state of mind. Coincidences are relative, but its just so much nicer to make meaning out of them as though its a mathematical equation that will eventually lead to the right answer ======== ?

I also see it as weakness, that we feel the need to be consoled. We need to know that life is not oblivious and that everything else around us are actually connected and complements each other.
Every action made is relevant to the consequences after.
I'd like a reset button, i'd like several buttons, all these switches that gives me a point of termination.
one button to reset all my senses of "logic" and "reason".
another button to reset my "emotions" that never needed explanations.
Other buttons for the system, believes,faiths, religion, society, truths, rules. ...
..everything. almost like rebirth, but far from what we had ever known.
How crazy would that be?All i can think of is some sort of explosion, due to overwhelming awareness.
I'd also like one 'replay' button, that will give me every second of my past experiences. It seems that these flashbacks that we depend on are segmented and thus, our memory is not reliable after all.Think back about some of your favourite moments, and try to recall the details within that particular hour. Time is such a tricky game that constitutes our entire being. i wonder, where are all those seconds and minutes that we were once present in? Why can't i remember how i felt?Or what i thought? Are we secretly capable of time travel?
I wonder.

Older,Mature.Wiser.uhuh.

Rock music in Montevideo by the sea..outdoor music festivals are the best. we need more in malaysia :(

All this hard work of learning and discovery gets me thinking about all those the years we spend from the day we were born till the very present. Every time we think we know something, that we have learned from our experiences and will use it for the better of tomorrow, it easily becomes worthless. One moment you´re aware of your life and the world and how you want to live, and the next? you go back to a different beginning of your aimlessness. I don´t know if its because its easy to forget, or rather because Change is prominent in our lives. I worry about getting old, not merely for physicality but also for our ways of succumbing. I look at our parents or the elder ones and how they live their lives, and i can´t help but wonder, had they forgotten their desires and chose to succumb?
DId they lose out on the big game and gave in their souls to the mechanisms of society?
Or am i about to discover that life is just the same and that all these differences i imagine is merely a state of mind?

Old cities are the best to discover:Mural in Montevideo

And then when we travel, we see different perspectives and thus,different ways of growing old...of living. that´s when I am reassured that there is possibility to choose a life that you want to live. you just have to have the balls to do so.To not feel the pressure of being out casted. To feel strong alone.150 year old Teatro Solis!Amazing building and was privileged to catch a dance contemporary piece in Spanish.

Birthdays are strange.
We celebrate our birth,our existence, but truth be told,i can´t remember how it felt the second I was born. I don´t know if anyone else does. i just know that on this day, I came to earth and began a process of "development".

Lately, these epiphanies i endure are reminding me to go easy on expectations. You see, the excitement of traveling comes when you step into a whole new world as a first timer. thats when your energy is on full charged mode and you are gamed for ANYTHING. Now, when you travel, but to places that is not too far from what you know, or have experienced? The situation becomes different. You are more calm and relaxed, and find steady ways to deepen your experiences. In fact, you have the space to associate it with the surroundings back "home", in which we claim to be a part of who we are.

The pier in Punta Del Este, sunset colours and gorgeous boats. i love how the water reflects light after a certain hour.

So yes,celebrating from a window overlooking the sea of "playa brava" and a hazy dark storm clouded in the skies of Punta Del Este. While the world imagines me to be gushing my heart out with substances and moments. I´m taking it easy this round(well,the day is not over.grin.). Ultimately, celebrating in Sudamerica and that idea itself, is a moment worthy enough.

Nomad

I'm starting to detect my routines here and i must say,it requires a lot of road trips to different locations for different reasons. The only constant element of this pattern is the fact that i'm living the local lifestyle, just adapting to their culture into my everyday life.
I use to think that 'adaptation' was a part of who I am, because I do it far to well. It scares me to how easy it is for me to come and go, as and when I please. The problem with this cycle is that you will never find something solid,or stationary to depend on. All you really have is you. The Self. The mind being the safety net, and the emotions being the driver. Ofcourse these roles switch every now and then, but when you're far away in a land so foreign from what you call 'home', you somehow allow feelings to break-loose.
Last week, I slept in 5 different beds within 7 days. Sometimes you sink into this state of mind, questioning your ways because you no longer grasp on to rules of living. When you start to query your nomadic behaviour, you'd have to stop because there's just no reason for you to say 'NO' to anything, at this point of time.

Rosario ,Argentina.

It's so easy to decide on destined destinations and it's times like this that you feel so accomplished.
The drive there was amazing because you have to cross this river, Rio Parana, which is like a delta, so huge that it stretches out to more than 10 kilometres! Imagine seeing a river on a highway that takes you above it, all the way till you see the view of sky scrappers from a distance. Crossing one bridge after the other,overlooking gorgeous greenery growing on the river --i was amazed.
Rosario is one of those cities with an enticing beauty born out of the days of colonization, just like most of the developing countries in this world. It's history is evident in the way art is expressed through architecture as well as landscaping. Like every other city out there, it's got the modernization as well as the traditional parts of the city. The European influence is very much evident in the way the city is structured. Most of the locations I wanted to visit were old and were very important during Argentina's Dirty War in 1976-1983.
Societies that had once fought for liberty or freedom due to suppressive governments tend to have after-effects that are rather radical. When I say radical, I mean in ideologies. These ideologies contribute to expressive behaviours of Argentinians, which can be seen on the streets of Rosario.
More importantly, Rosario is the birthplace of Ernesto 'Che' Guevara (whom may be a complete loser to most people) but a very well respected figure here in Argentina, and perhaps, a symbolic propaganda in the eyes of the world too. I visited his hometown, and the people had build a big recreation park in his honour.
I quickly got into my 'tourist mode' and demanded my picture taken with his monument.
What was also intriguing was this old railway station that has been abandoned nearby. As usual, the British had developed railway systems in this part of the world. But to stroll around an old railway station, with grass growing over old tracks, was a nostalgic experience! To just imagine that once upon a time this railway use to be a busy location is quite mind blowing.
Secretly, I had experienced Rosario's night time in a whole different state of mind. It is dirty, messy and old, yet developing, and to me, that makes Rosario even more beautiful.
I'm glad I had my first experience there, despite the shortage of time..
There's just nothing greater than entering a whole new place with no expectations, but just an open spirit, to absorb whatever that may cross your path.

The Simple,simple Life.

Paysandu - a small town about 360+ km away from Montevideo is a nothing but little surprises for one to discover.
The perfect timing for a journey there would be around evening time, where the sun shines through the stretches of flat greenland, and slowly slips away from the horizon. Yes,i have an obvious fascination for the changing skies, but it is rather hard to not love it,no?
If there was something typical to note of the Uruguayo culture, it would be the image of horses or cows or sheep and the farms. We call it the 'cowboy' image, which is rather Americanized. But i guess that is what folklore tends to portray,historical traces of how mankind use to live within agriculture environments. The coolest thing about road trips is when you spotted random individuals taking a stroll in the middle of no-where, hitch-hikers or even bikers riding out of god-knows-where. It was my turn to drive and I was giving out free thumbs-up to anyone i spotted on the road.Though the roads aren't exactly in the best condition, over-taking large trucks will be a useful skill to develop!

I adore Paysandu, there's just something so simple about it that calms me down. Though it is easy to get annoyed with how slow and inefficient the lifestyle can get, you just end up wondering, 'what's the hurry in the first place?'
If there is one thing that i can learn to be embarrass of being a city girl, is how i feel the constant need to be occupied for the sake of progress. Productivity is key to our daily existence, and it is very much embedded in our functionality. I am learning the mechanisms to my mentality, and what makes me feel better as a human. And I must say, some of the factors can be pretty pathetic.

A weekend getaway on a sail boat reminded me of my overdue desire to own a boat someday. How do i know this?
The moment the boat sailed away from land, a creepy sense of relief and comfort rushed through my body. Packing 'necessities' became rather subjective, compared to the time I had to pack for this entire trip. I bought less than what I had utilized, which was practically a pair of bikini, a top and shorts, and okay,maybe the dress, which i had initially wore to sail away. My toiletries remained handy despite the fact that the boat had no 'bathroom', but only a tiny toilet bowl for immediate needs. After the first night, i used the toilet less and was very,very much acquainted with the river. How unusual it is to feel absolutely liberated to take a bath in the river.Basically, you have a choice of taking a bucket or water, or ideally, to just jump off from which ever side of the boat. AS YOU PLEASE!
I had the stupidest grin in my face in the middle of no-where.

Rio Uruguay. Uruguay River.
You sail up the stream,overlooking Argentina on one side, and Uruguay on the other. It is so easy to feel in control when you can view two countries with one perspective.
I had zero worries and not the slightest sense of Fear during the entire journey. Best of all, the rediscovery of silence was magnificent. When you think you know how it feels to be silent, think again. There are far too many layers of silence that we are not associated with. Worst still, I was reminded of how our lives are filled with distractions on so many levels. The result of emptiness without these distractions is precisely, ONE OF the boundary to a sense of "Freedom"(relative.again)
So if there would be reasons for me to live here in Uruguay, it would be this river, and definitely,DEFINITELY my own damn boat!And I'll be okay.

No-where?Sounds good.

There are days when the sun forces its way through my skin, while the night surprises me with gushes of chilly wind.
I had a "hippie"(as how you humans would label it) moment last night. A gorgeous drive into the quiet parts of the countryside had blessed me with a kind of darkness I secretly enjoy. The kind where the sky is painted with stars, so refined that you imagined to see the milky way, whether or not it really was, does it matter? I was reminded of the time I was riding in the car to Bam, Iran and had stuck my entire body out on the edge of the window...feeling the air of the desert. How i would never forget that moment.
I love how memories eventually becomes a point of reference to new found experiences.
(Back to the story)
Driving in the quiet side of punta del este would have been scary for the weak hearted, or mainly, anyone who resides in a city with the comfort of electricity.Amidst the dark streets the headlights became a pest to my view as the wind fights its way through my body. I wanted the blackness and the stars and only that like a whiny child. I was on the edge of the window again and despite its familiarity, there´s always a way to love it like a first timer.
Finally arrived the location in pitch dark, and found my way through the sight of candle in white paperbags. Upon arrival, a comedian couple was doing an act and though it was is spanish, i found my way to make sense of their jokes. I thought to myself, how peculiar and different their humour can be.
The magical experience began right after.
If i were to even try to make a link to what it was, i´d say "psyambient" though it may not even be it. A bunch of musicians or spiritual people or actors or magicians or gypsies or whatever you may call it were putting up a performance. And when I put up a video, I will know that its okay that I don´t have the words to describe it. Juggling around with fire was one of the element I can share. Eclectic music, psychedelic colours, hypnotized beings, woman with beard, dude with chained fireball,do-i-sound-crazy-right-about-now?
I don´t have the words for what I saw last night, but I do know that it was merely a preview to my next awakening.
i left the place with a sick sense of relief, and rode back to normalcy.

How many sunsets can the heart take?

You always dream and yearn for those beautiful moments that happen only on special occasions. How would you feel when your dreams can come true in your everyday life?Would it still feel like its a dream come true when you are granted the opportunity to have it all the time?

The sunsets here in uruguay is mindblowing. I tried to rationalize the reason behind it by looking into map to see where it is located on the globe,analyzing the movement of earth,sun,universe and everything else.
There has GOT TO BE something with the way uruguay is at the most southern part of south america, and ofcourse,how coastal areas have better views of the sun setting into the horizon.

ONE OF the best way to enjoy a typical sunset here would be to gear up with a large and soft comforter, mate(or teh tarik if u must), music, cigarettes(or rollies), and a light jacket. Find a spot that is a little hilly facing the sea,and lay out the comforter. Now that its spread out on the sand,u can just roll around the area to witness the sky and all its crazy colours that changes by the minutes and hour. I would suggest to head out around 8pm and until 9.30pm, and just prepare to be amazed by how the sky can reflect itself onto the surface of the sea.
Looking at these pictures, all the words i have written just dissolves away.
:)

On a side note: do not mess with the uruguayan nightlife!these people go all their out and some of the parties begins as late as 2.30am!!what the hell, that is the time it is almost ending in malaysia! The streets are FILLED with people. It has GOT TO BE the summer crowd, RIGHT?

Beach Life Experience.

Day 5 : I guess this is how it would feel like if i really lived that ´beach life´.

You wake up only to get ready for the beach,take slow strolls, baking under the sun and having your book and ´mate´(traditional Uruguayan tea) the whole day. My senses retaliated in the first days of having absolutely nothing to do. I finally have evidence to the transition one endures when living in the city and eventually escaping that systematized lifestyle.
When you first open your eyes in the morning to plan how you would spend your day, it´d be surprisingly ´blank´. And when you realize that your days are starting to begin with absolutely no pressure or worries of supposed responsibilities, you find ways or excuses to actually have something to do. That there is proof to how I am so trained to fill my days with activities, otherwise, i´d feel irrelevant or insufficient.
What i have easily accepted is how almost every meal is accompanied by wine. You know that wine is a part of one´s culture when it is locally made and easily available. And mind you, some of the best wines that i have ever tasted is here in south america.

A typical afternoon here would be a lunch session outdoors in the garden. A table with white cloth stretched over, plates, cutleries, wine, fernet(typical alcohol with some traditional herbs), salad, bread, crackers and ASADO (either cow or lamb meat).
How could something this simple be filled with satisfaction?
When you find yourself so far away from home in a place far from what you imagine, its so easy to get ´lost in translation´. You feel the need to memorize every single moment endured. The conflict lies in the reasoning behind it, whether it is truly for the self, or because you want to share it with your other world back ´home´. Whatever it is ,I´ve been told far too often that i´m ´lucky´or fortunate. Though i may not understand what those terms represent, but I guess i´d have to agree anyway.
Hence, Yesterday was a reminder to why I should be.
It started off as a simple desire to take a bicycle ride around the streets of punta del este. You see, i´m starting to understand why this place gets so populated over summer time. When you ride down the streets, the cool breeze is balanced out with the sun light onto your skin. At a good speed you ride pass people who are jogging,driving,drinking mate or just chilling out. I admire the healthy lifestyle they practice here, especially the way they assimilate it with the environment. Nature is loved by all, and you know this when you watch the sunset on your bicycle,riding across the horizon accompanied by the sea shore. This is a place where the crowd encores the second the sun sets completely. Perhaps, the only thing you have in common is your appreciation for something sacred that is unsaid, through words. How good it feels to share a special sunset moment with strangers and just clapping for the right reason;for a good sunset show.

Every time I glanced over to the surface of the sea, I see the sun resting itself above it. The bike ride lasted for hours because there were far too many beautiful places to stop at. I was reminded of Key West when we rode up to the pier where expensive boats floated by the docks. There was even a tiny booth that was set up to sell fresh seafood. Even better, I spotted jelly fishes and a couple of seals hanging around the docks, waiting for left'overs. Call me a newbie but i was in AWE.
What made the experience even more unique was that a marathon was taking place, hence, the main street beside the sea was shut off to vehicles. I rode the bike on an empty street that´s usually jam packed. Fortunate!
Overall, I rode and rode watching the skies change its colours. From the bright sunny day, it dimmed down to a lighter shade,with occasionally purple and pink swirls. I wonder,How could i have not passed out from all the beauty?
Its not even week 1, so i´ll try to keep the bad energy away.
Fear to not have this anymore. Fear of the ending.
Why should we even bother to live without this?

South America-Round 2

..I have a feeling i´m going to start writing again.
Day 3 in Uruguay and it has been interestingly relaxing so far. My first SA trip was during winter and i must say, being here in summer time gives a whole different vibe. After about 27hours plane ride across the globe, I landed in Montevideo´s new airport. I was impressed with the new architecture and was told that it was merely 5 days since its started functioning. Lucky me, i guess.
After an overnight stay in Montevideo, I ventured my way to Punta Del Este, a very much popular spot during summer in Uruguay.People from Argentina , North of Uruguay and even Brazil will make their way to this place every summer. NO doubt, its beauty will diminish any kinds of question one might have.
Upon arrival the beach was filled with colourful umbrellas and chairs, while people were baking themselves under the sun. Previously, this stretch of beach was empty because it was way too cold. But this time, I´ve never seen so many people on beach since I was in New York´s beaches when summer kicked in. People go frantic especially after winter, to just head out to the sea and be with the sun.
I know Malaysians are suppose to ´be used´to the heat but this sunlight is something else! it pierces way too deep into the skin and within the first day i was out in the sun, i got burnt.
It is easy to see how Punta del este is the playground for the rich, especially when you compare it to the other provinces. People who pay their visits here most certainly have spending capabilities. Logically, since it only comes to live once in a year, prices are marked up!
Living in a quaint little summer house close to the beach couldnt get any better for me. I´m fortunate enough to have this family take me in as a part of their family. Every meal is an enjoyable one for me,especially when the barbecue pit is frequently used.
These people make it look so easy to utilize the barbecue area and it is very much embedded in their daily lives. I cant imagine finding a single home here in South america without a barbecue pit.
What makes it more special is that its a distinctive culture that comes along with it. A meal session (mostly during dinner time) would include vino(wine) or cerveja(beer), meat, queso(cheese) and great companions. Family is such an important element in this society and it just touches my heart to observe their close relations.
The fact that the sun goes down around 9pm is rather peculiar for me. The days are longer and people are seriously just chilling out.
I look forward to whip up some adventures for the next days,and more importantly, to quickly pick up the language to build more connections..........